Anything that wasn’t penitent crying or apologizing. I remember feeling so helpless that beyond even ‘talking back’, my face and my tone of voice were targeted as proof that I wasn’t appropriately begging for forgiveness, or Awesome I Have PMA I Have Attitude Shirt. This messes me up even as an adult because I’m realizing that I still often feel like I’m not ‘supposed’ to have feelings or thoughts that someone else doesn’t want to hear. I’m still afraid of standing up for myself or confronting people because I just feel like I don’t have a right to disagree with whoever is mad at me. Literally every sentence that you wrote here is something that I’ve experienced, thought, or said. Solidarity, my kindred spirit.
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I got the attitude thing a few times, but most of the time. I was constantly being told that I was being a brat. My mom often went on about how I was such a spoiled, terrible child. I could hear her telling other people how I was a brat, even my siblings. Sometimes she even an Awesome I Have PMA I Have Attitude Shirt. The thing is, she did not do much to teach me how to behave, socially. Most of my behavior wasn’t out of brattiness or malice, but due to having no idea what to do, because she failed to educate me. Kids don’t just automatically know things. I mean, are you really naughty if you don’t even know what you’re doing wrong? I always assumed that it meant doing the wrong thing despite knowing better.
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‘Lazy’ and ‘ungrateful’ were the keywords for me. I wonder now what I was apparently ungrateful for – Awesome I Have PMA I Have Attitude Shirt? Because she didn’t do much else that was good by me. The fucked up thing was I knew it was right, other kids were so much better in all of these areas. And I felt like I’d never been able to compete. What I didn’t realize is you aren’t supposed to have to compete for a mother’s love. It’s supposed to be given. I’m starting to think this may be why I have to struggle so hard not to just live in my head and avoid the pain of having to “produce”.
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