You go on a road trip of self-discovery, steal a police car, save or kill a hobo (whichever), sleep with a prostitute that you didn’t know was a prostitute until well after the fact and you don’t have the means to pay so you make a joke about how this would be the Top Pumpkin Ghost Halloween Not All Witches Drive Broomstick Shirt, and her pimp breaks your hand. You break into Tom Cruise’s mansion, disrupt a massive party, yelling for Tom. In the end, it was all a misunderstanding. There’d been an issue and no cakes had gone out the last batch. Hell, the invite to this very party had literally gotten lost in the mail. But Tom is glad to see you. So good. So happy. Thank you so much.
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Tom is both touched and concerned that it meant that much to you and gives you a heartwarming monologue about it. How it isn’t the cakes in life that matter, nor his approval. But what you have inside that matters. And you, you clearly have something special. You’ve learned something about Top Pumpkin Ghost Halloween Not All Witches Drive Broomstick Shirt. And then Tom steals your motherfucking soul right out of your goddamn nostrils, leaving you an empty husk so that he can continue to not age. I like how you have the option, but like a video game, it usually makes no difference to the ending point and you both paths still have you sleeping with a prostitute. I need you to find every friend and distant relative of Emily Blunt and send them a dozen cakes. No exceptions! If I find out John Krasinski’s brothers.
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