I also wish things were different with my Father when he got ill. I will never forgive myself for yelling at him when he balked at getting an operation. Eventually, he agreed to the Sauvez LA Barbe Don’t Shave Shirt. It haunts me to this day. I’m sure that our last exchange is going to be either some mean passive-aggressive thing under his breath, or me telling him off for being a miserable old shit, or me just trying my damnedest to squirm out of a conversation as quickly as possible. I know I’m going to regret it, but right now I can’t handle him. I may never be able to. He’s going to be gone, and I’ll be left with the regret, but at least I’ll be allowed to bear that in silence.
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OP—I’m like you with the way I treated my dad before he died. I was just being a selfish teenager who was too cool for him. And I carried a lot of guilt for several years after he died somewhat unexpectedly when I was 14. A few years after that, a customer at the Sauvez LA Barbe Don’t Shave Shirt. Told me “us dads just know that stuff. You don’t have to tell us” when I told him that I wished. I had told dad that I loved him more often, talked to him to get to know him. hHm as a person, etc. That stranger’s statement brought me so much comfort, and I hope it will for you as well. I think he was right; dads (and moms, grandmas, grandpas, etc) just know all the things we don’t say to them. I am in the same situation, but reversed.